Why Icha Icha Books Are Better Than Women
by Kopykat Kakashi
Summary: Sequel to 'Why Sake Bottles Are Better Than Men'. Tsunade tricks Jiraiya into leading a meeting. The only ones who show up are Gai, Iruka and Ebisu. Find out what the men think of each other and the women of Konoha! R for suggestive language
1. The Participants and Meeting Objective

_Summary: Tsunade tricks Jiraiya into leading a meeting on shinobi recruitment. The only ones who show up are Gai, Iruka and Ebisu. Find out what the men think of each other and the women of Konoha!_

_Authors Notes: Sequel to "Why Sake Bottles Are Better Than Men" which recently had the dubious distinction of being ANBU-ed on livejournal's ff-Anbu community. Unfortunately, the reviewer completely missed the intentional parody of that piece and actually took everything seriously. This sequel was not written in response to that criticism but was written in response to a story I found on ffnet which was disturbingly similar to my "Sake" story but using men. Any ANBU-ers reading this story are welcome to ANBU it but please bear in mind that this is a character parody like the other one._

_Disclaimers:_ _I have nothing against yaoi, yuri, or guys with glasses. I love Iruka (but not as much as Kakashi), and I like Gai, Ebisu, Asuma and Jiraiya. I do not own "Naruto" which is a creation by Kishimoto Masashi, though I wished I owned Kakashi as my love slave! I do not make any money off any of the stories I write using Naruto characters, though it's a lot more fun than my real job._

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* * *

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**Why Icha Icha Books Are Better Than Women**

_**The Participants**_

_Damn it! How the fuck did I get myself into this? I'm supposed to be a hermit, that means NOT being around people and NOT leading stupid meetings!_ Jiraiya swore angrily to himself. _Oh yeah, that bitch tricked me into it! She plied me with sake, put her arms around me, leaned into me to show off her boobs, and asked for a favor! What man can resist that? To make things worse, the only other shinobis available for this shit meeting are men, no women at all!_

Jiraiya propped his feet up on the desk, folded his arms like a spoiled child, and leaned back slightly, just enough to look cool but not enough to tip back and fall on his ass.

Gai was first to arrived, as expected. "Yes! I'm first! I beat everyone else in promptness! Greetings Jiraiya-sama!"

_Oh great, how much time do I have to spend with this annoying fool_, Jiraiya groaned inwardly. "That means you have to take the minutes," Jiraiya ordered slyly. _Now I won't have to write up the report for that bitch Tsunade. _

"Yes! Minutes! No one beats my shorthand," Gai said with great alacrity.

_Someone else please arrive soon, I don't want to be stuck alone with this idiot._

Iruka came running in next, huffing and puffing. "Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I could, but I took Naruto out for ramen and he ate more than I expected, and I didn't have enough money, so they made me do the dishes!"

Ebisu came in behind Iruka and abruptly brushed him aside. _Really, standing in the doorway like an idiot, how rude_! He pushed up the middle of his glasses with the middle finger of his right hand. He officiously stood before Jiraiya and bowed. "Good evening Jiraiya-sama."

Iruka quickly bowed his greetings as well.

Jiraiya looked over the three men now seated in front of him. _Just great, what a fun meeting this will be, a competitive narcissist, a goody-two-shoes wimp, and a stuck up prick, sigh. _He looked at the list of possible participants. "Anyone seen Kakashi? He's supposed to be here too."

"I just saw him. He's out on a date with Ayame. He said he'll drop by later," Ebisu explained.

_That means when the meeting is over. He's smart enough to avoid senseless meetings_, thought Jiraiya enviously. "Who is he with again?" he asked curiously.

"Whom," corrected Ebisu.

_Correcting me, a sannin? I should summon Gamabunta on your ass!_

Iruka answered, "The ramen girl." He thought sadly of his own failed romance with her. (s_ee my ramen girl stories!_)

"Kakashi's out on another date? Why do women flock to him? You can't even see most of his face? How can he compare to Konoha's beautiful green beast!" Gai pulled his hair in frustration.

_Well, he's got the beast part right_, thought the other three men.

"I don't get it either," sighed Iruka.

_He was my rival in love as well._ Gai thought back to his crush on Rin, who ignored him and Obito, and who wanted only Kakashi. "What do sensible women see in him?"

"His lack of responsibility should not be an attractive quality," Ebisu agreed. "And really, reading those scandalous books in public is so... crass…er… no offense Jiraiya-sama. I'm sure they're quite well written. It's just insensitive to read them in front of women."

"Hmm…" Jiraiya pondered as he looked over the three younger men before him. _These guys really could use some help with women and I am an expert. This could be a worthwhile, interesting meeting after all._

"Just look at the three of you, whining about Kakashi's success with women. Take a good look at yourselves in the mirror. Since when has a woman ever complimented you, or you, on your hair, or you on your...glasses. Women like men with great hair. Look at my hair and Kakashi's! Think hair! Lots of it… and white. Even Mizuki has women after him. He's in prison doing hard labor but he gets hundreds of letters proposing marriage every month!"

_Mizuki…gets…marriage proposals?_ Iruka was mortified.

"That's all well and good, but we just don't have hair like that," Ebisu said while pushing up his glasses again. _How many women have you had that you DIDN'T pay for, lecherous old man._

"_Don't_ doesn't mean _can't_. You can all have great hair like mine. You just need to grow it out and I'll recommend a hairdresser, not a barber, and I'll even teach you a few…love jutsus. You don't believe Kakashi's hair is all natural, do you?" _This can work, I'll make these guys into real men instead of a bunch of pansies!_

Gai objected, "My hair is perfect in its functionality and efficiency. It keeps out of my eyes, is easy to maintain and…"

"Who cuts your hair? Looks like you did it yourself with a bowl and a kunai. You almost have the same haircut as Shizune, but her hair is rather attractive while yours is…just go see her hairdresser, trust me!"

Jiraiya turned his attention to Iruka. "Now your hair has good length, but no style or texture. Ponytails are for little girls, not grown men. Maybe you could get away with it if your hair were white or if you looked cooler overall, but on you, forget it, it just doesn't work."

Iruka's face darkened but he nodded mutely. _No point in arguing with a senile sannin_.

"Now you…" Jiraiya looked over Ebisu. "Why do you wear dark glasses at night and indoors? It's not cool, just weird and sinister. Go see the shinobi medics and have eye surgery so you won't need glasses at all."

"I have sensitive eyes…"

"What are you, some kind of vampire? Just take my advice. I've lived much longer than any of you and had twice the number of women of all of you combined! Now what's your best pickup line?" Jiraiya looked over at Iruka first since he seemed the most likely to take his advice.

"Er...um... 'What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?'"

Jiraiya shook his head at its low level cool factor. "What about you?" he challenged Ebisu.

"Here's my resume."

Jiraiya lowered his head. _These guys really need help! _"All right, you next." He looked at Gai who was raising his hand enthusiastically.

"A beautiful flower like you should not be allowed to wilt. Let me show you the sunshine of my experience."

"Hmm, that's actually not too bad." _It will confused them enough to get their attention. I might try that one._

"Okay, first lesson, here are some standard lines:

'Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Am I dead? Cause this must be heaven!

Are you lost miss? Because heaven's a long way from here.

You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

If it weren't for the sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created.

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.'

You should try the last line if you don't get your eyes fixed," Jiraiya added, looking at Ebisu.

"Now that's just a couple of reasons why the three of you are not successful with women. Read my books, you'll get some excellent tips from them. The Icha Icha series is an excellent guide to what women expect on a date and what they want in bed. In fact, I happen to have several copies with me. Only 995 ryou for the soft cover and 2500 ryou for the hard cover..."

-...-...-...-

_Author's Notes: The pickup lines I got on-line from searching for "best pickup lines."_

-...-...-...-

**_The Meeting Objective _**

Jiraiya's sales pitch was interrupted by a knock on the door. Shizune came in balancing a tray full of sake bottles and cups. "I thought this might help your meeting. It sure helped us brainstorm at our last kunoichi meeting," Shizune said with a shy smile. She excused herself and bowed before leaving the room.

"Ah, now, Shizune is a classy woman," Jiraiya said appreciatively as he filled his sake cup.

"Yes, she's one of the few nice kunoichis. Oh, I didn't mean that they're not all nice." Iruka blushed at his slip but thought, _Most of those kunoichis are pretty mean and bitchy._

"Hah! But it's true," agreed Jiraiya, "most kunoichis are bitches."

"Really! That is an inappropriate way to refer to assertive woman," protested the gallant Ebisu.

"Kunoichis are like plum blossoms, beautiful flowers that can withstand the harsh cold weather between spring and winter," Gai elaborated.

_Huh?_ "Well, I prefer civilians myself, kunoichis are too complicated," Jiraiya shrugged and refilled his cup.

Iruka nodded in agreement while finishing his first cup of sake.

"Of course," Jiraiya continued, "Kunoichi sex is much more interesting. All the combinations of techniques like henge and kage bunshin. But you need to find a kunoichi who's willing to perform. Those can be simulated by civilians, but it's more costly…er…I mean less effective."

"I heard through the grapevine that you and Tsunade-sama were…involved," Ebisu challenged. He was not a drinker, and the small cup of sake had already caused his face to flush and his usual proper demeanor to become impaired.

"Well…not really," Jiraiya did not want to admit he still had a crush on her. She wanted nothing to do with him yet she would use her feminine wiles to get what she wanted and he fell for it each time.

"That chakra molding technique of hers is really something," Iruka mused.

"All women should learn that technique." Jiraiya was glad to change the subject.

"What does she really look like?" The three younger men asked almost simultaneously.

"Well…" Jiraiya normally wouldn't give away her secrets but she did trick him into holding this meeting, so… "She looks older than Advisor Koharu."

"Really? Isn't she a couple of decades younger?" Ebisu pointed out.

"Yeah, well, some women just don't age well at all. Now men, on the other hand, get more distinguished with age. That's why it makes more sense for an older man to be with a younger woman. At least ten years is my recommendation. By the time a man and woman are fifty, the woman will look over sixty. Trust me on this one!" Jiraiya polished off the rest of his bottle and started on another.

"Hmm…" murmured Gai who had been uncharacteristically silent. "But a mature flower has a sweeter scent…"

_What is he talking about?_ muttered Iruka to himself.

"And more wrinkles!" Jiraiya interrupted. "Now my advice to you all is have your fun now with whoever you want…"

"Whomever," corrected Ebisu.

"Shut up you light-in-the-sandals-four-eyed-fairy! Now my point is don't settle down until you're older. Then find a nice younger woman who'll stay fresh longer…"

"You mean eat ripe melons now but wait for the ones off the vine to become mature fruit," suggested Gai. "This appears to be some good advice, I'll add it to the minutes," Gai said while scribbling furiously.

_What the hell is he talking about?_ wondered poor naïve Iruka.

"Exactly!" nodded Jiraiya._Gai looks dense, but has an interesting way of saying things. _

"Yes, but, how do you get a woman now?" asked Iruka almost desperately.

"Well…" Jiraiya looked over the only chuunin and quickly evaluated him based on Naruto's reports and his own impressions. _Nice guy, definitely a family man type, but really needs more experience before he settles down. Not cool enough for a kunoichi, best for him to find a civilian in the long run, but he needs some kunoichi action first_. "…women on the rebound are excellent prey. What's-her-name, the purple haired Anbu chick, I hear she's still on the rebound from Hayate's death."

Gai furiously took notes.

Ebisu frowned and raised an eyebrow at the inappropriate suggestion. "Taking advantage of a woman in pain is…not chivalrous!"

"Okay, since when has chivalry gotten you anywhere? Women like men who are cool and dangerous and insensitive."

Ebisu shook his head in disapproval and endeavored to change the topic. "What was the original purpose of this meeting?" He polished off his second cup in one gulp. His ears and cheeks started burning.

Gai was already on his third bottle but being a master of drunken fist, he was hardly affected. Iruka had just finished his first bottle. Despite his darker complexion, he was nearly as red as Ebisu.

Jiraiya had just started on his third bottle. "Purpose? Oh, er, it was..." _Shit! What was it?_ Tsunade asked him for a favor last night and he said yes. But he only vaguely remembered what she asked. At the beginning of the meeting he sort of remembered but after the sake he forgot again. _Damn, she's going to beat the shit out of me_! _Maybe I can make something up if I just had an idea of what she wanted..._ He thought frantically.

"Oh yes! The point of this meeting was to come up with an ad campaign for shinobi recruitment. Since the war against the Sand and Sound, enrollment has decreased. For some reason Tsunade added a suggestion that we aim for cute boys. Hmm…what would attract kids to a shinobi career?"

"Excitement?" suggested Gai.

"Money and prestige?" suggested Ebisu

"Protect the village!" offered Iruka.

"No, no, no! Women!" yelled Jiriaya excitedly.

"Women?" the other three men echoed.

"Yes of course! We need a poster girl to attract boys."

"What about the girls?" asked Iruka.

Jiraiya explained, "The girls will follow where the boys are."

"I see…" said Gai reverently, "Tsunade-sama's suggestion to recruit attractive males is part of her astute plan to attract potential kunoichis."

"Do you mean we should choose one of the female genins as the poster girl?" asked Iruka?

"No, no, a mature woman!" Jiraiya explained.

"Well, Shizune's really sweet…" Iruka offered while blushing even redder.

"She's like someone's sister. You wouldn't be attracted to your sister, would you?" countered Jiraiya.

Iruka shrugged and sadly though about how he had no family at all.

Ebisu suggested, "How about someone intelligent, like Suzume."

"Advocating your ex-girlfriend is an unfair tactic to win her back," said Gai.

Jiraiya cut to the chase, "Intelligent, yes, but she's a dog!"

"No she's not! She's quite attractive, especially without her glasses…" Ebisu hotly protested. He gave his glasses a double push.

Gai suggested, "We should endeavor to resolve this matter via a more systematic and democratic approach."

"How about we rate each kunoichi on a scale of one to ten and whomever scores…" Jiraiya started to say.

"Whoever…" corrected Ebisu though slightly tipsy, grammar was still very important.

"…the most points wins?" Jiraiya ignored the grammatical correction but noted to himself this was the third time and the next time Ebisu was going down! "We can rate them on several factors..."

"Excellent proposal Jiraiya-sama, Your wisdom stemming from your long experience and age far exceeds our own," complimented Gai who now was finally feeling a buzz after his fourth bottle of sake.

Iruka was now trying hard to stay awake after his second bottle. Ebisu did not approve of the turn of events and polished off his first bottle in protest.

-...-...-...-

_Author's Notes: Up next, the men rate the kunoichis._

_Gai is hard to write for so I decided to write his speech using alliteration and metaphors. I tried to keep these guys in character as far as humor/parody goes, but admittedly poor Iruka will suffer from OOC-ness since I need a patsy. That in itself is a parody since poor Iruka is treated shamefully in most Naruto fanfics, often being portrayed as a wimp. I hate having to explain humor but some people apparently didn't get my "Sake" story._


	2. The Kunoichi of Konoha

_Author's Notes: I chose Iruka, Gai, Ebisu, and Jiraiya because these guys have the most distinct personalities of the adult males in Naruto so they're easier to work with, and they're usually voted as most likely to be gay, which I beg to differ, at least for the purposes of this story. _

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_**The Kunoichi of Konoha**_

"Let's go back and start with Shizune and Suzume," suggested Gai as he looked over his notes.

"All right, Shizune. I'd give her a 6 out of 10 for personality. Too shy, we need someone more seductive. 6 for body, nice, but small boobs, and 6 for general looks, plain dress, not sexy," evaluated Jiraiya.

"I like her. I'd give her an 8 for personality and looks. I think being a good caring person is more important," said Iruka. "But you're right about the body," he admitted with a blush.

"True, but a balance of allcharacteristics should be considered. I'd give her a 7 for personality, 6 for looks and body." Ebisu pushed up his glasses thoughtfully, or rather he was finding it harder to think.

Gai looked up from his notes. "The springtime of youth must be nurtured appropriately. A gentle wind and rain are necessary along with the warm sun. I'll give her an 8 for personality, 7 for looks and 6 for body."

"Whatever, next, Suzume." Jiraiya shook his head at Gai's strange speech. _Hmm...some of that might actually work in one of my stories._

"An intelligent role model is very important, 8 for personality, 7 for looks and body," Ebisu asserted.

"She's nice too," Iruka said dreamily, "and she looks great with flowers, especially with the white roses I sent her. I'll give her an 8, 7,7, too!"

"What? You sent my girl flowers! I'm going to kunai your ass from here to the Valley of the End!"

"Hey, she's not your girl anymore…she said you couldn't perform…"

"You'd better call Naruto to protect you…"

"Hey you two settle it on your own time or I'll squash both of you and…cut off any apparatus essential for an amorous adventure!" Jiraiya scolded angrily. _Damn, why am I suddenly talking like Gai? _"She's not much of a looker. Why fight over her? She's at best a 6/6/6."

"I'll have to agree with Jiraiya-sama. She's a chilly choice in my opinion. We need someone with more passion, more spirit, more hot-blooded…" Gai suggested.

"Anko!" Iruka suddenly exclaimed.

"She does have the desired measurements," agreed Ebisu.

"Ample endowment by nature is a wondrous thing," agreed Gai.

"But she's a super bitch," Iruka reconsidered, thinking how condescending she was during the second chuunin exam, "She deserves to be bitch-slapped! Oops, I didn't mean to say that aloud..."

"Yes, she is a super crazy blood thirsty bitch, but she wears fishnet. You can't go wrong with that!" said Jiraiya while drooling slightly.

"Ah fishnet, provides barely sufficient coverage but strangely functional," Gai evaluated. "But passion and spirit should be tempered by kindness. Personality 5, looks 7, body...9!

"I'll second that," Ebisu agreed while pushing up his glasses.

Iruka nodded and hiccupped.

Jiraiya rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well...I'll go along with the looks and body, but she has an interesting forceful personality that some men would find attractive...8 for that..."

"You mean men interested in being tied up and beaten! Have you heard what she did to Ibiki?"asked Ebisu. "He's got more scars in places you don't want to imagine!"

"That does sound interesting..." murmured Iruka who was desperate for any action.

"But she knows snake techniques! Just imagine what she could do with a snake!" Jiraiya was now in full drool mode.

"Perhaps Anko's friend Kurenai is a better choice," Gai suggested.

"Ah, to say both those names in one breath, conjures up all sorts of wonderful lascivious possibilities..." Jiraiya's eyes glazed over.

"I'd like to bitch-slap her too!" exclaimed Iruka thinking of the dirty look she gave him during the nomination meeting for the chuunin exams.

"Maybe we can have two poster girls." Ebisu was now enjoying the idea.

"Two beautiful flowers united in a fond embrace would..." Gai began to say.

"But Anko's boobs are bigger!" drunk Iruka interjected.

"No, Kurenai binds her breasts, but they're just as big," Ebisu accidentally explained.

"How would you know?" asked jealous Jiraiya.

"I…er…saw them at the woman's hot spring baths."

"You're a peeper too! There's hope for you yet!"

"No! I was following Naruto that day and one of my kage bunshins just happened to glance that way."

"Well, if we had to choose one…Kurenai's really hot. She's got great hair, beautiful eyes, good body and she's not as much as a crazed bitch as Anko. Too bad she and Asuma are practically joined at the hip..." sighed Jiraiya, thinking of her hypnotic eyes, and the types of hallucinations she could project.

"Ha, ha, ha wait till she finds out he's gay!" giggled Iruka, then stopped when he recalled how Asuma hit on him.

"What? Asuma's gay?" Jiraiya sputtered sake all over his chest. _No way! He's a fine male specimen. He even smokes and looks cool. Not like these guys! These guys may be gay but certainly not cool, muscular Asuma_!

"I believe it. She's been hitting on him for years, but he shows no interest." Ebisu nodded and gave his glasses a double push again.

"Hmm, rumors about his exploits have reached my ears..." said Gai thoughtfully. "Too bad, a flower like that should not be allowed to wilt. I must protect and pluck that flower before it succumbs to grief from unrequited love."

"I'll fight you for her!" Iruka stood up unsteadily.

Ebisu easily pushed him back in his seat. "Give it up, pathetic weak chuunin. Even I can beat the shit out of you. You have no chance against him..."

"Break it up guys. No point in fighting over a woman. There're lots of them to go around. Don't forget the Anbu chick, and the dog girl..."

"You should call them by their proper names. I think you mean Uzuki Yuugao and Inuzuka Hana." Ebisu took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He was beginning to see double after one and a half bottles of sake.

"Wait! We did not officially rank the pulchritude of kunoichi Kurenai," Gai pointed out.

"7! 8! 8!" shouted Iruka, slamming his third sake bottle on the desk.

"Sounds good to me," nodded Ebisu.

The other two also nodded. No one wanted to think or evaluate anymore than necessary.

Gai checked his list, "Next Yuugao, the Anbu girl."

"If she poses with an Anbu animal mask wearing animal prints lying on a tiger skin rug…that could really work," Jiraiya's tongue hung out.

"Her boobs aren't big enough!" Poor Iruka was now quite fixated on his favorite female part of the anatomy.

"She does lack the advantageous of the other two, but she's nicer," observed Ebisu.

"She must be if she was willing to be with Hayate..." mumbled Jiraiya

"We shouldn't speak ill of the dead…" Gai protested.

Iruka interjected, "Loser! Dog girl's better!"

"Wait, we must be systematic. 8/8/7?" suggested Gai.

The rest of the men nodded, too drunk to protest.

Gai checked his list. "So what about dog girl, er, I mean Hana?"

Iruka: "Too scary!"

Ebisu: "Too smelly!"

Jiraiya: "Bet she's really hot in bed."

Iruka:"Yes! Like an animal in bed!"

Jiraiya: "I'd screw her, oh hell, I'd screw any one of them, all of them, at once!"

Iruka: "Yes!"

Ebisu: "Absolutely!"

Gai: "Another lovely flower despite the sharp fangs and odd odor. Rating? 7/8/7?"

"Sounds good to me! Add up the numbers," ordered Jiraiya.

"Wait, is there anyone we missed?" asked Gai.

"There's always Hokage-sama herself," Jiraiya suggested.

"Tsunade? She's old," Ebisu noted.

"But she's got super-big boobies!" giggled Iruka.

"That bitch keeps getting me and Aoba mixed up. Really! I am an elite tutor to potential kages and he's nothing!"

"Well, you two do wear glasses. But she is insensitive," Jiraiya agreed.

Iruka: "Total bitch!"

Ebisu: "Alcoholic!"

Gai: "Extremely bad influence on students."

Iruka: "But she's got super big boobies! 5/10/10!"

Jiraiya: "Add up the totals!"

Gai started adding up the numbers, but now he was on the verge of intoxication, though more sober than the others. He was not good at math and was having a hard time. Ebisu and Iruka leaned over to help.

Iruka: "No, no! The easiest way to add is by the partial sums method."

Ebisu: "No, straight normal addition is much better than this crappy new math!"

Jiraiya: "Try the subtraction method instead."

Ebisu: How can you add while subtracting?"

Jiraiya: "How the fuck should I know? I just heard of it, all right?" (He actually learned it from a prostitute who was adding up his rather enormous bill.)

Iruka: "Try multiplying these then adding. That should be easier…"

Finally, after nearly half an hour, the totals were ready and the winner was…

-...-...-...-

_Author's Notes: You may do the math or wait for the next post with the results. I did not plan on rating the female genin in this piece, but I'm considering it for an addenum. _

_I just found out that Ebisu is the God of Commerce and it's ironic that I have him interested in money and prestige._


	3. The Meeting Concludes

_**The Meeting Concludes **_

And the winner was...

Tsunade! The new shinobi poster girl!

"Hmm, I think there may be a problem," Gai noted, "Hokage-sama's unlikely to pose for a photo shoot."

"No, but, I have an idea. I'm not just a writer but also an artist! I illustrate my own books you know." Jiraiya took out a blank scroll, a brush and a pot of ink. He quickly sketched Tsunade looking seductive. The three other men panted heavily over the drawing but each added a critique.

"Her boobs should be bigger!"

"Her shirt should be cut lower!"

"She needs to look more slutty!"

"Bigger boobs!"

"No, bigger!"

"No, even bigger!"

"Less clothes, more cleavage!"

"Sluttier, more sluttier!"

"Yes! This is coming out quite nicely." Jiraiya made the necessary modifications and recopied it on a fresh piece of scroll with a rather unsteady hand.

"I wish I could get a girl who looks like that," Iruka sighed, "but less of a bitch of course."

"You can if you follow the advice in my books." Jiraiya was now ready with his sales pitch again. "Besides the advice, even if you can't get a girl they're…er…good company. In fact, in some ways, they're better than an actual woman. No bitching and nagging!'

"Uh, actually I already have a copy…I just don't have it with me." Iruka's face turned red again despite just recovering from intoxication. He actually had the entire Icha set.

"You're a super writer! I want your autograph" said Gai as he took out his copy of Icha Icha Paradise from his inner vest pocket. _'Know thy enemy or rival. This is for research on Kakashi.'_

"Yeah, uh me too. When's the next book coming out?" Ebisu also had the entire Icha set, bookmarked, indexed and crossed referenced.

_'I knew it! Based on my sales figures in this village, 1 in 2 adult males should have a copy_!' Jiraiya thought happily, and then proclaimed,"So all of you really are men! All right gang, follow me to Otafuku where I know the most beautiful available women…"

-...-...-...-

_**Epilogue:**_

Before retiring for the day, Shizune dropped by the conference room to find all the men gone, leaving behind spilt sake bottles, broken cups, and a pile of unfurled scrolls on the floor. There were two scrolls on the desk that she assumed were left for the Hokage. After cleaning up the mess, Shizune took the scrolls and left them on Tsunade's desk.

The next morning Tsuande unfurled the two scrolls that lay on top of the other scrolls and books piled haphazardly on her desk. One appeared to be some notes from a meeting. It was nearly illegible but she could make out something like "white, hair, hairdresser…rebound…" and a table of what looked like names and numbers.

Then she unfurled the next scroll and saw the hand drawn picture. The woman in the picture looked suspiciously like herself. She was leaning forward, with unnaturally humungous, exposed boobs, seductively crooking her right index finger. On the bottom was the slogan "We want you!"

Tsunade clenched her fists and her teeth. The veins started popping out of her head, and due to the stagnant bloodflow, her face turned bright red.

The scream "JIRAIYA! YOU'RE SOOOO DEAD!" could be heard in the next building and beyond.

-…-…-…-…-…-

-...-...-...-...-...Personality...-...Looks...-...Body...-...Total

Shizune...-...-...6/8/7/8...-...6/8/6/7...-...6/6/6/6...-...80

Suzume...-...-...6/8/8/6...-...6/7/7/6...-...6/7/7/6...-...80

Anko...-...-...-..8/5/5/5...-...7/7/7/7...-...9/9/9/9...-...87

Kurenai...-...-...7/7/7/7...-...8/8/8/8...-...8/8/8/8...-...92

Anbu Girl...-...-8/8/8/8...-...8/8/8/8...-...7/7/7/7...-...92

Dog Girl...-...-..7/7/7/7...-...8/8/8/8...-...7/7/7/7...-...88

Tsunade...-...-..5/5/5/5...-...10/10/10/10...10/10/10/10...100

-…-…-END-…-…-

_Author's Notes: Hope that wasn't too stupid! Well, it probably was but I hope it was at least amusing. For more stupidity, or less, please leave a review. _

_For something more serious and intellectual, I'm working on an update of my Kakashi psych profile._

_Complete for now, unless I come up with something for the young kunoichi that's not too pedophilial, or incorporating how to correctly do an average using mean, median or mode._


	4. Epilogue

_Author's Notes: Took me a while to come up with something that doesn't cross over to pedophilia._

**_Epilogue_**

The four inebriated shinobi sang drinking songs at the top of their lungs while on the way to Otafuka. Gai and Jiraiya both had surprisingly rich baritone, though off-key,voices. Ebisu was more of an alto and had near perfect pitch even in his drunken state. But poor Iruka was horribly off key in his high tenor voice. His attempts at a falsetto caused the other three men to threaten him simultaneously with their kunai.

_(sung to the tune of "Drunken Sailor")_

What do you do with a drunken ninja? What do you do with a drunken ninja?

What do you do with a drunken ninja? Early in the morning.

_Chorus:_

Way hey up it rises. Way hey up it rises. Way hey up it rises. Early in the morning.

_Additional verses (each line repeated 3x, followed by "Early in the morning" and then the chorus.)_

Stick him in the eye with a red hot kunai…

Up his ass with an explosive tag…

Put him in the bed with Hokage-sama…

-...-

Normally the denizens of Konoha would have yelled at them to shut the fuck up, but seeing that Sannin Jiraiya as well as Drunken Fist Master Gai were part of the group, they wisely held their tongues for fear of ending up in the shinobi hospital or engraved on the shinobi memorial.

About a mile from Otafuka, the men stopped singing, partly because they could not recall the words to another song (not that they got the words right to any of the songs they had been singing) and partly because the high from the alcohol was wearing off.

Iruka fell into a more pensive, depressed mood as he recalled Jiraiya's words and took his advice to heart. The lonely chuunin ventured to break up the silence that had fallen amidst the group. "You know, I'm only 25, but I want a family now, but according to your advice I would have to go for a 15 year old. I can get in trouble for that."

"Well, yes, especially now with Tsunade as Hokage. Sarutobi was much more lenient about such…er…proclivities. There are quite a few young ladies you should keep your eyes on for a few years until they fully mature. This year's crop of kunoichi is quite promising I hear," Jiraiya replied as his eyes glazed over again.

"They were former students of mine! I can't do that," protested not-so-drunk Iruka.

"Can't and won't are two different things. Just look at them. Don't tell me you never thought about it. It's only natural. Why there's that blonde, Ino, that smart one, Sakura, shy Hinata…"

"Don't forget the crowning flower from my team, Tenten!" added Gai.

"Ah, if I could only be the _tutor_ for one of them…or all of them! I have lots I can _teach_ them – and at the same time. Teaching in small groups is most effective," Ebisu interjected.

"Well, maybe you guys should stake them out now," Jiraiya suggested. "Won't be good to fight over them in the future. You'll also have to compete with the younger men, but I'm sure intelligent women like them will appreciate the experience and maturity of us older men."

"Well…when Ino and Sakura were in my class, I had to sit them at opposite sides of the room. They were always fighting over Sasuke," Iruka said thoughtfully rubbing his chin.

"Don't worry about Sasuke. He has no interest in girls," said Jiraiya, "He's so pretty, he's probably gay anyway."

Gai and Ebisu nodded in ready agreement. After all, guys who were too good looking just had to be gay - they regularly consoled themselves with that thought about Kakashi.

"Well…I don't really know much about Tenten so I think I'd like Hinata," Iruka decided. "She's shy and quiet, but pretty and most importantly, not bitchy."

"But don't forget who your in-laws will be. Have you met her father? Hiashi the Horrible, tyrant of the Hyuuga?" Jiraiya reminded him.

The three younger men blanched at the thought of having to deal with Hiashi on a regular basis.

"And don't forget the eyes of the Hyuuga clan. You'll never get anyway with anything. The byakugan will see through your lies," Jiraiya continued.

"A marriage should be an open, truthful relationship. There is no room for lies and deception. An insightful beauteous flower like that will keep you honest," Gai countered.

"Yeah, I think I can live with that. I'm not very good at hiding my thoughts or feelings anyway, and I'd rather be with someone nice with x-ray vision than a crazy bad tempered blood thirsty bitch like most of the other kunoichi. Hiashi doesn't care about Hinata so I won't have to worry about socializing with him," Iruka evaluated, then addedto himself, _'Eyes like that aren't so bad… I mean, if she can see the tenketsu, she should know exactly where the erogenous zones are…'_

"A daughter of a noble family should come with a nice hefty dowry. My turn," Ebisu interrupted, afraid he'd get whoever remained. "In that case, I'd like Haruno Sakura. She scored the highest among her graduating class on the written exams at the Academy, justas I did. And according to Ibiki, she had the best score without cheating on the last chuunin exam -quite a feat. Brains over beauty in my book," said Ebisu. _'Smart girl like that will be able to learn all the sex jutsus!' _

"You're gonna have to fight Naruto for her. And from what I hear, he got you a couple times already with his…" Iruka started to say.

Ebisu quickly clamped his hand over Iruka's mouth from behind and whispered harshly in his ear, "Say another word chuunin and I'll guarantee you'll never, ever make jounin." Ebisu punctuated that with a squeeze to Iruka's windpipe. But he said aloud, "The choice is up to her and I'm sure in a few years someone as intelligent as she is will forgo unrequited love and immature love for something more substantial, love that exists on a higher plane."

The other three men just rolled their eyes, thinking how Sakura would rather have a hapless idiot like Naruto than the pompous ass before them.

"Now my Tenten has both brains and beauty in perfect harmonious balance. An exemplary kunoichi, the best of the bunch," said Gai with great alacrity. "I will be the one to deflower the queen of flowers! In five years time, I can still defeat both my beloved students, possible rivals for her love. With my super speed, Neji can't touch me. And I can open all the gates while Lee can only open five. Hah! I'm not teaching him the others! The springtime of youth will be crushed under my deluge!"

The other three men shook their heads at Gai's rather well thought out duplicity. Despite his speech about truth in marriage, it seemed he wasn't as honest as the ideal he advocated.

"Guess that leaves me with Ino," Jiraiya pointed out, happily thinking how Ino was the hottest of the bunch. "Have you seen her mom? Her boobs rival Tsunade's! And you can't go wrong with a blonde." The perverted hermit added to himself_, 'Who wants a dame with brains? The smarter they are, the more trouble – sharper, cleverer insults while nagging. You don't fuck brains._' Then he gave his followers his final advice, "Remember, we must protect the virtue of our future sex sla…I mean companions, until they are ripe for f…plucking."

His conspirators all nodded in support. The four men were back to being in a good mood. The alcohol withdrawal stage had worn off and they were back to being slightly buzzed and happy as they entered the little town of Otafuka where they could entertain themselves until the kunoichi of their dreams developed into buxom blossoms of great pulchritude and breast.

-…-…-END-…-…-

_Author's Notes: This addendum is not meant to support IrukaxHinata, EbisuxSakura, GaixTenten or JiraiyaxIno. I have no problems with older men-younger women or older women-younger men as long as everyone is a consenting adult as defined by the law._

_"Drunken Sailor" is a popular drinking and sailing English/Irish folk song. You can find the real lyrics and tune with an internet search. I couldn't find any lyrics for a Japanese drinking song._


End file.
